Jan D. Hembree PhD Clinical Psychologist

Coparenting

The Missed Dialogue of Coparenting

By Jan D. Hembree, PhD

December 2008

     When I listen to Moms and Dads talk, it seems they are like ships passing in the night but never seeing one another.  I feel a little schizophrenic as if I’m talking to two people in two different conversations at once, even though ostensibly we are supposed to be talking about one issue, their child.           

     Dad says, “I think education is important and he needs to be more responsible for getting his homework done.”  In response, Mom says, “He always does his homework, I just think he needs to get outside for some fresh air after school and then come in to do his homework.”  When delving a little deeper, Dad is concerned because his son isn’t allowed to call him on the phone until he has his homework done.  Mom says, “No homework, no phone calls.”             

     So is the issue the homework, or having a relationship with dad?  Mom says she wants her son to have a relationship with Dad, of course, but she says discipline is important too—just the very issue Dad was complaining about a moment before.  Then she feels Dad is giving mixed signals about discipline, and then goes on to think that Dad just wants things his way, that is, he wants her to discipline the son when he thinks it should be done (homework done after school) but not when she thinks it should be done (homework done before bedtime).  She gets mad, looks at me, and says, “See how controlling he is!”  He gets angrier and says, “Doesn’t a father have a right to discipline his child!”           

For a moment I pause because I’m daydreaming about being that boy listening to his parents have this conversation, which I am sure he has heard before.  What does he hear?  He hears the animosity and feels the tension.  He knows it’s about him.  But he doesn’t think it’s about homework, not really.  He’s thinking, how silly to argue over when his homework gets done because he knows he has to do it.  What’s really important to him is that he hates doing his homework and he hates when his parents check his homework to see if he did it correctly.  Frankly, he’s scheming trying to figure the best way of manipulating the situation so that which ever parent he is with won’t have time to check his homework and he can get away with a half-hearted effort.  If he can just get to 9 pm, then he can complain his way out of further parental oversight with such statements as ‘I’m really tired tonight and tomorrow is a big day at school,’ or ‘I only have a little to finish and I can get it done on the bus.’  Etc.           

     Do the parents see what’s going on with their son?  No.  Does the son know it? Yes.  Does he want them to stop fighting?  Yes.  Will he use their lack of awareness to his advantage?  Of course.             

     Gee, have they missed the boat.  The parents are acting out the game of ‘who gets the child’ where each one is being competitive with each other for which one is the better parent.  If one wins the above argument, then they have proved they are the better parent because they get the child to do what he or she wants.  They may think the argument is about homework after school or homework before bedtime, but the underlying argument is about who gets to be loved the most by the child and thus who wins at being the best parent.             

     Winning the ‘best parent’ award is critical to a guilt-ridden parent who feels that their divorce is harming the child(ren).  Something went wrong in the marriage, and most likely both parents had something to do with the downfall of their marriage and thus with the breakup of the family.  This kind of guilt is akin to the guilt one must feel if they have run over someone by accident.  It was not intentional, but it sure hurts and plagues one’s sense of morality for an indeterminably long time. It becomes a shame that one cannot get rid of and has to be experienced daily.  It’s especially worse when the child(ren) have problems which may or may not be due to the divorce.  The fact is, children always have problems, and divorce always causes children to have problems.  This is an inescapable fact.  But to continue the bad play by acting out more dysfunction between the parents is unconscionable.  Since the bad the marriage has ended, and the ugly divorce has occurred, then why can’t parents figure out a way to coparent successfully?  Why do they have to continue acting out their dysfunction in their coparenting? Or in their relationships with their child(ren)?  This is definitely the time to figure out how to get it right.      

      How should parents figure this out?  To use the above example, a coparenting therapist might point out that there are two different issues going on here (or more).  One is about homework, one is about the child’s needs, another is about the contest between the parents.  Most parents deny there is any competition between them.  They will deny the struggle for the vanity of wanting to be the most loved parent.  They will even deny that the other parent might have a good point.  A therapist doesn’t point out what is absolutely denied because that causes the issue to go further underground.  A therapist can only point out what might be close to the surface in awareness, but this is a tricky confrontation for a therapist because it could give the other parent a leg up, or at least the feeling of having won a small battle.  The therapist will be seen as favoring one parent (the one not confronted) over the other one (the one currently confronted).  Even in most sports, the players get several tries (three outs, ten yards) before they are considered as having won, but not in this game.  Just a little nod by the therapist to one parent and the other parent will feel rejected.  This tends to increase the competition, not diminish it.  Then the therapist becomes part of the game, not just the referee.           

     I think this is how the child(ren) feels.  Every child knows that parents argue over them, but they are not just spectators in this sport.  They become the third player, and the game becomes a triangle, each with hidden agendas.  The most interesting part is that the child(ren) are not looked upon as being part of the game, while in reality they may be using the parents unawareness to further their own causes, good or not.  This happens in all family systems and is not special to divorced families.  But fighting parents tend not to see this dynamic clearly. Or they don’t know what to do about it.  Instead they tend to blame the other parent rather than look at how they are contributing to the problem.           

     The simplest solution is that each parent look at how he or she is contributing to the problems and to focus on just this part.  If the two parents and the child(ren) were to look at just their own contributions to the problems, then game over.  If each player said, ‘hey, this is what I’m doing wrong,’ then the competition stops and the collaboration begins. 

     This would indeed be an amazing feat, however, I have never seen it happen.