Do parents deliberately alienate their children from the other parent?

            “Parental Alienation Syndrome” has been a controversial issue in the courtroom custody battles for many years.  The topic is receiving renewed attention due to Alex Baldwin’s recently published book, A Promise To Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce, in which he w accuses his ex-wife Kim Bassinger of  such psychological warfare  in order to get back at him. For an insightful review of the book, take a look at Alex Kuczynsi’s article in the New York Times Review of Book on October 3, 2008. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/05/books/review/Kuczynski-t.html?_r=1&ref=books&oref=slogin

            PAS,” however, is neither a “ nor medical diagnosis.  The phrase was coined in 1988 by psychiatrist Richard Gardner, MD, to describe how one parent in a custody battle  attempt to brainwash the child or children into disliking the other parent as a way to gain power over the child and punish the soon-to-be-ex.  Lawyers often use this tactic in court to discredit the other parent  win custody battles. I’ve seen it done repeatedly and unabashedly.

            As a result of this courtroom tactic, many parents have been accused of PAS when they just simply did not like their ex-spouse.  And sadly, the courts often respond with knee-jerk reactions to any accusation of PAS by punishing the accuser.  Too often the court accepts the accusation at face value, and punishes the accuser by ting custody away from the parent doing the accusing rather than looking at the whole case and making a  determination that is best for the child.

            Just recently there was a ruling in Australia where the Psychologists Board of Queensland disciplined a psychologist saying he had acted unprofessionally in giving “evidence” about a case to the court based on this “syndrome.”  See http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/story/0,25197,23495760-2702,00.html in The Australian by Tony Koch.

            There is usually a grain of truth in every accusation, and unfortunately angry parents do in fact denigrate the other parent in front of the children, sometimes even without realizing it.  There is  a narrow and precarious line to navigate between disliking an ex-spouse (and all the variants of dislike) and yet promoting the good attributes of this person just because he/she is the parent of your children. 

            But responsible parents must restrain their anger and desire for revenge -- even if it is justified; indeed, especially if it is justified --  in order not to damage the child’s  relationship with the other parent.

            This is where good coparenting practice comes in!  The three best ways to do this are:

• Never say bad things about the other parent in earshot of the children
• Always promote the other parent as a good parent who loves our children
• Talk with the other parent!

      The payoff is that your children will feel loved by both their mother and their father, which is very important to their self-esteem.  Plus they won’t feel the stomach twisting conflict between the parents which spares them internal angst and allows them to get on with their own lives.