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Jan D. Hembree PhD Clinical Psychologist |
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Affairs
MEDIATION IN THE SHADOW OF AN AFFAIR A.
Exit Affairs a. Characteristics of Exit Affairs b. The
Obsessive Phase B.
Other kinds of Affairs
A. Heightened emotions
B. Intensified anger a.
Exacerbated by courts concept of punitive damages in deciding on financial consequences such as increased alimony or
custody and visitation D. Extra blame E.
Guilt F. Shame G.
Distrust H. Sense of powerlessness I.
Sense of helplessness J. Sense of betrayal A. Privacy B. Self-blame C. Control
of the Mediating Process D.
Best way to help children A.
Spouse’s desire for public avenge B.
Way to punish guilty spouse C.
Trust issues D. Fears of emotional vulnerability E.
Mediator’s judgementalness of affairs F.
Mediator’s sympathy of the victim-spouse G.
Mediator’s subliminal alliance with one party H.
Mediator’s lack of patience with hostility of couple I.
Mental illness of either or both spouses J.
Substance abuse of either or both spouse A. Listening for underlying cause of extreme emotion a. Listen to see what issues
are fear driven b.
Listen to see what issues are pain driven c. Listen to see
what issues are realistic B.
High volatility in session C.
Impasse in mediation process D.
Excessive obsession in the betrayed spouse E.
Emotions get in the way of rational discussion A.
May have to stop talking about factual issues and allow talk about the emotional issues
B.
Listen to issues which are fear driven and pain driven C.
Empathize with each party about their pain and hurt and fear D.
Balance your empathy so not to seem one-sided E.
Be careful not to sound sympathetic since this will alienate the other spouse F.
Allow some discourse about each spouse’s emotions G.
Allow each to talk about what they wished the other spouse had done in the marriage H.
Allow each spouse to discuss what disappointed them in the marriage I.
Allow each to apologize if that comes up J.
Allow for validation, acknowledgement, or affirmation of each party’s experience K.
After the apology, don’t dwell on the emotions any longer, instead try to go back to a
practical issue L.
Realize you may have to shuffle back and forth between dealing the mediation issues and dealing
with the emotional issues A.
Know when to shift gears B.
Be able to say, “Let’s stop for a moment and talk about your emotional responses.” C.
In am empathic way, address each party’s underlying feeling, such as “I can see that
you are feeling particularly angry at your spouse about this.” a. particularly
sad b.
particularly powerless c. particularly betrayed d. particularly
fearful e.
particularly guilt-ridden f. particularly shameful g. particularly worried D.
When the person addressed responds in the affirmative, ask them to go ahead and talk about these
feelings for a few moments. E.
Take charge of the session by making sure the party who is expressing themselves does not get
interrupted by the other spouse who will want to defend him or herself. Explain that they will get a change
to discuss their feelings as well. Make sure you follow-up on allowing the other spouse to have their turn
else you will be seen as being one-sided. F. While you convey understanding, do not convey agreement. Say, “OK, I get it” or something
of that sort. Don’t say, I understand” unless you follow it with “I
understand why you would feel that way” (vs. conveying, “Heck, yea, I feel the same way!”) G.
Remain on neutral ground while at the same time being empathic towards both parties (hard but
important!) |